Photographs tell stories, at least to me they do. They have always been the way I’ve captured memories to revisit at a later time, to share with those who’ve been absent. They have told the stories of what I have loved and who I have loved.
I’ve been photographing everything around me from a young age. When I had children, this increased exponentially, suddenly the camera was always in use as I captured every moment, every first.
But what do you do when you must put those photographs away, pretend like they don’t exist? How do you bury reminders of a past, of memories that are still ripe and sweet, years later? How do you do this when keeping them out are constant reminders to someone of a past they want to forget? Of a person they no longer are, outwardly? How do you expunge those years, and should you?
Some things can’t be forgotten.
I wrestle with this. On the one hand I want to be sensitive, these photographs remind them of who they no longer are, but on the other hand these same photographs remind me of a happier time, when the future was bright and hopeful. They are not only a tangible reminder of the past but they are a part of me. I am the photographer. I am the mother. In this case, I am the creator of both art and life.
I’ve tried my best as a mother: to provide understanding and support, to teach them the skills necessary to navigate life, and to be more resilient, but above all I have tried to show them how loved they are. Unconditionally.
Sometimes this falls short, no matter my motivation, no matter my actions.
As a parent you put your child’s needs ahead of your own, but sometimes your needs and theirs are at war. As it is for me now. I have robust memories, with many of them being photographic, and now I must put those away and with them a part of myself. At times it feels like one more piece of me is being buried and I cannot breathe. I am banging my fists against the lid but no one hears my cries.
The photographs are the latest in a line of things that I have had to turn my back on. I am not prone to pity parties but I grieve, oh do I grieve.
Some might think this is selfish, to feel this way about photographs, but it is really about more than captured images. It’s about forgetting 15 years of a life. It’s about surreptitiously reliving them. It is what I struggle with. It’s not that I am not thankful for what I have, but it is a loss and as such it behaves like the tides, ebbing and flowing, but never ceasing.
The changes wrought are incalculable. I grieve for the past and for the future. There will be things I will never experience and things I experience but in a way that is more challenging and isolating than I ever anticipated. This truly is a matter of only understanding if you walk in my shoes.
But these are small things and, in some cases, future things.
We adjust as we go along. Tentative steps taken, often with a heart that aches with loss but also one that feels a modicum of joy as things align. It is the past that is rearing its ugly head. As we go forward into this new life I am no longer allowed to revel in those memories. I must be secretive about the happiness I felt because it makes someone I love uncomfortable.
It’s the latest of cuts, and probably the deepest, and I feel as though I am bleeding out. How much can I lose and do I have the right to feel this grief when it’s not my life that will be challenging?
I don’t know the answer to that. I’m just searching for something to staunch the flow of blood.
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Photograph taken from Tumblr, source unknown
April 27, 2019 at 4:06 am
Let no one dictate how you grieve my dear. No one. No matter what it is you’re grieving. We all deal with any kind of loss in our own way and in our own time.
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April 30, 2019 at 9:27 pm
Thank you, Lovely.
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May 1, 2019 at 2:48 am
You are welcome my dear
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April 27, 2019 at 4:16 am
Awsome. Growth is painful but so worth it. ❤ infinite 💘 and blessings. Your words beautiful almost divine.
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May 6, 2019 at 2:59 pm
Thank you. Smiles.
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April 27, 2019 at 7:25 am
Your words have touched believe me.
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April 30, 2019 at 9:27 pm
Thank you, I appreciate you saying so.
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April 27, 2019 at 12:15 pm
I remember you posting about this before, I’m sorry it’s unresolved. I really feel for you on this – the past I’d the past, but it’s more than just the past, it’s who you are & how you get to the future, I really hope you can have this out and get this resolved, it really needs to be fixed. Xx
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April 30, 2019 at 9:27 pm
Thank you..
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April 27, 2019 at 1:49 pm
The past cannot be so easily erased no matter how hard we try. However, it does not mean we are not allowed to grieve as the future demand radical changes. Godspeed to you.
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April 30, 2019 at 9:28 pm
No, it cannot be erased. Thank you for your kind words.
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April 27, 2019 at 3:44 pm
My heart aches for you, sweet friend, as a parent and photographer. Is there a compromise? Keep the photos but not in easy view of the other?? I am here if you ever need an ear. Hugs and love to you.
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April 30, 2019 at 9:34 pm
Thank you, my friend. That’s the compromise I’ve gone with. xo
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April 27, 2019 at 10:58 pm
Awesome post!!! Insightful and wise!! Bellissimo!!!
xoxo
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April 30, 2019 at 9:34 pm
Thanks so much. Smiles.
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April 28, 2019 at 1:26 am
Reblogged this on The Reluctant Poet.
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April 30, 2019 at 7:15 pm
Thank you for this window into your being, Christine. I keep your poetry and writing because it’s valuable, not just to me subjectively, but to the many others collectively. There’s something universal and accessible about your way of self expression. It’s treasure. Congratulations on your acceptance to VQR 2019!
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April 30, 2019 at 9:25 pm
Thanks so much, Mark. Smiles. I truly appreciate your kind and supportive words about my writing. Comments like yours help me when I question whether any of it is any good. And many thanks for the congratulations…I am on cloud nine right now.
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